(Yes, this is my second post on the topic I, hate it that much!)
Health check, pants down.
Insert huge bush of greying pubic hair in my face with a sad little wormy penis tucked away under there somewhere.
Let me tell you what pubic hair is for, sad fellow.
It absorbs sweat when you mow the lawn when your wife can stop you from playing golf.
And, cavemen found it handy in reducing friction during sex.
Not only is it useless, it stinks. Especially more so because you haven’t been getting action for years and so you really haven’t washed down there properly for just as long. Your pubes absorb that stench, dude. Yuck.
When giving head, it gets up your nose. You have to place your hand over this bush to do a half decent job without sneezing.
Putting a condom on is a nightmare, let alone finding your sad little willy to start making it hard while pulling half of the hairs out in the process. Mmmm, sexy.
Forget ball play, they’re even closer to your ass hairs!
And while your sad little penis gets its few thrusts in before dying, all I can feel is the velcro-y crunching of your bush against my sensitive pink bits.
More than once I have commented to clients that I have to go and get my mirkin before we can start (pussy wig, fyi).
"What? Why?" They exclaim.
Because if you don’t bother at least trimming to make things neat and rather more enjoyable, why the fuck should I?
Women wax, epilate, shave, trim, dye, shape, pluck and spend a significant amount of time, money and effort to make our fannies into gift boxes for our sexual partners to receive.
Many clients ask us if we are shaved before booking. Heaven forbid they should be affronted with au natural pubes on a sex worker. (Unless they fall into the exceptional category of muff lovers.)
But the majority of men, (well, those who pay to see me, anyway) think nothing of presenting a national park of pubes after I’ve spent hours removing mine.
Such a double standard!
I would like to thank the small number of men out there who bother to clipper occasionally. Their wives are probbly pretty happy, too.
To the shavers, thank you for your efforts, but buy some clippers. Your spiky re growth is just as uncomfortable for my pink bits as a full bush.
To those men doing their bit to save our national parks- don’t be offended when I offer you some scissors to trim in the shower. You might actually get some from the Mrs if your penis is removed from that stinky tangle!!
Love, D xx
My dad is the coolest.
Another lunch at the surf club, and the most direct and honest father daughter conversation about my career.
He is supportive, caring and non judgemental.
What more could a girl want?
Love you Dad xox
Yesterday, a man with a giant beard asked me if I was clean shaven. Being the usual smart ass, I compared the state of my pubic hair to his face.
He was not impressed.
Of course I am clean shaven, I am a lesbian and a sex worker for fucks sake! What pisses me off is the amount of men who display horror at some fanny stubble when their own pubic regions haven’t been maintained in at least a decade.
What the fuck!?
I am not afraid to suggest to my clients that they need some man scaping. For one, it smells ick. Two, it gets everywhere. Three, that includes being stuck in my fanwah.
Fucking EW. No matter how much you wash under those darn water saving shower heads, you never get it all unless you go on a recon mission when you go to the toilet armed with baby wipes.
I get that some people love a full muff, and some chicks like ample chest hair. Why, I’ll never know. Man hair guarantees ass crack hair, and what is sexy about that??
So please gentlemen, before you vist a bordello for your first shag in years, take a look in your pants and give that shit a trim.
It makes your dick look bigger.
Most commonly found on grossly overweight (dare I say FAT? Re prior drama) men, and sometimes just the unfortunate chubby men with tiny junk.
I had a client in the latter category today. Ugh. His pubes were literally stuck in his foreskin, and I had to push a good few inches into his pubic region fat to see his knob for an inspection.
I couldn’t make it extend any further to check his shaft out. I dubiously put him in the shower, resigning myself to have to get him hard before I could announce a clear check. Which I HATE doing. (Reason #1 why I hate seeing fat clients, because this is always the case unless they are hung like horses.)
How in the world does this man manage to piss? I wonder…
Luckily, everything popped out a good 10cm when hard and passed inspection, making sex a) possible, and b) a joke.
He was happy within 30 seconds and I tickled his back for the rest of the hour, dreaming of Europe.
What would happen if he hadn’t passed inspection? If he had some warty looking lumps and I needed to bring another lady in for the required second opinion? Undoubtedly he would have lost his hard on within a second and health check #2 would prove as futile as the first one!
Cue embarrassed, furious client, and management giving you grief for not having detected it in the first 60 seconds of the booking and ensuing ‘to refund or not’ debacle after they have seen you naked.
Inny dicks- causing problems in brothels since… Forever.
It’s sad when my only female body contact is from my hot, gay masseuse!
She’s got amazing hands but the real reason I go weekly is for some non-male skin contact. (In a non sexual way.)
This drought has to pass eventually!
I find myself getting more and more angry at my close friends who are unaware of my job.
I am starting to get very short with them and any stripper jokes. I am getting fed up of the tired old stereotype of it all, and I am starting to feel as if I should ‘come out’, so to say. Each day a friend…
It’s not easy being ‘out’, but if it makes people rethink the stereotypes they so readily accept, it’s worth it.
OK…. I knew exactly what Modern Hustler was referring to as as “normal fat”. Let me articulate it for you. “Normal fat” would be a man who can still see and touch his penis without assistance. In case you are unaware, penis length is affected by obesity. The layer of fat over the groin expands and grows, the penis does not (err, well not from fatty tissue anyway).
I have personally serviced clients with internal penises. As in, the layer of fat over the groin has expanded to the point where you need to dig for the organ. It’s unpleasant, and some people just can’t stomach it. I feel compassion for people who are in this situation, so I deal with it. I don’t expect others to, as I know exactly what is involved, and it requires a lot more work than your average booking.
The first time I saw an internal penis I thought I was looking at an amputee - I thought I was looking at a stump. There was maybe 2 or 3 millimetres off raised flesh that was pink and shiny. My reaction was to scream in horror and flee the room. I was inexperienced, but I was working in a parlour, so another lady explained what I had just seen.
It turns out I was looking at the tip of his penis - it was the only part that showed. I had to go back in there, apologise, and coax the little fellow out of his cave. I had to hold up the clients stomach with my forearm while I did so to gain access to the area.
There is a difference between a client with soft belly and a round bottom, and a clinically morbidly obese client who:
a) can’t support his own bodyweight and could therefore accidentally crush or suffocate you - its a real physical risk if you don’t know what you are doing - I’ve had my hip dislocated from an overweight client losing his balance and falling on me, and he wasn’t morbidly obese, just a bit chubby and unfit. It still hurt like you wouldn’t believe.
B) might have real health problems such as diabetes, heart disease, limited mobility, compromised breathing… the list is long. Clients with health problems are also too much for some sex workers - expecting someone to assume duty of care for you during a session in which you might drop dead from excitement or over exertion is a big ask. The sex worker may not be comfortable with that level of responsibility.
c) may have hygiene issues due to difficulties in showering or bathing properly - the kind of obesity Modern Hustler was referring to can mean that people can’t reach their groins or bottoms well enough to wash them properly. This can create a situation that many sex workers feel is well beyond the call of duty. I’m confident enough to put the client back in the shower and wash them myself if I feel it’s necessary, but a lot of people aren’t.
I hope this helps your understanding of the situation. I’m assuming you aren’t a sex worker, so you havn’t had this experience yourself. Until you have braced a mans stomach up by wedging your elbow between his groin and the southernmost area of his stomach, until you have delved for his penis and tried to manoeuvre yourself onto him, failing because there isn’t room, you have no call to comment on the opinions of those who have.
She isn’t fat-phobic, she’s not displaying prejudice - she just can’t handle morbidly obese clients. Good on her for being honest about it and explaining the reasons. She is stating a sexual boundary - and sex workers are as entitled to have boundaries as you are.
I don’t discriminate against people with severe mental retardation, I’m just not happy fucking them. Same deal.
Sidenote: what was the deal with the fairly obnoxious comment you made about “privileged white hooker” book deals? Personal attacks are not the way to win a debate honey… (sorry, condescending pet names are not normally my thing dollface, but I had to point out the utter brattiness you displayed by calling her “honey”, sugarplum) Respectful conversations don’t need posturing and name calling and accusations of privilege. Just saying.
How Privilegedandgoodlooking came to the assumption that I was both white and privileged is beyond me… Isn’t she the privileged and apparently good looking one?